Are they Pirates or Boy Scouts? A Critical Decision

"A scene where women are being auctioned is NOT acceptable in a ride about pirates! We must change this!" Said only the Disney company and people who think pirates of all things should be more politically correct (Tom Simpson on Flickr)

Note: This post originally had the link to a petition attempting to save the original auction scene. For obvious reasons the link has been removed. This post will continue to be a historical record of my opinions about Pirates of the Caribbean and my explanation of my dislike of certain changes to the attraction.

Are they the Pirates or Boy Scouts of the Caribbean? I'm confused.

In the original versions of the attraction at both Disneyland and Walt Disney World, they were most definitely pirates. They pillaged, plundered, looted, kidnapped, auctioned and chased after wenches, and burned a city to the ground, all without giving a hoot.

"Just look at that poor man! We need to change him to a pirate and have his pirate friends playfully dunk him in the well!" Said no one ever

In the 60s and 70s, and for quite some time afterwards, there was virtually no complaints about pirates being pirates. Everyone understood that pirates were not nice people, and that they did some terrible things. It didn't (and still doesn't) make sense to try to censor their bad deeds any further then necessary for a family audience. They sought treasure without rules of conduct; they took what they could and gave nothing back. They were having a jolly good time, but like their cursed skeletal counterparts in the caverns, they too would eventually pay the price. Both versions of the ride ended with the pirates either threatening to blow themselves away or die surrounded by their treasure in a blazing fire they started, a terrible fate for equally terrible men. But before that, they got to enjoy the fun of such exploits as kidnapping the town's women and selling them at auction as wenches. Through a romantic lens and Marc Davis's classic gags, guests got to see pirates as the rascals, scoundrels, and villains they really were, with just the right amount of softening (very little) of their exploits.

"Looting and burning is wrong! These Pirates should be doing community service!" Said no one ever

Starting in the 1990s, the Disney Company began to move towards a much warmer, sweeter, pleasant child-friendly image. This was especially apparent in the theme parks, where particularly at Disney World, many weird and scary parts of the Magic Kingdom were either subdued or removed entirely. This was the era where at Disney World, 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea with its graveyard of lost ships and giant squid was closed and abandoned, Snow White's Adventures was made much less frightening, and a trip to Hell in Mr. Toad's Wild Ride was replaced by the saccharine adventures of Winnie the Pooh. This was also the era in which the company began to change elements of certain attractions to make them more "politically correct", and one of the biggest changes was a major alteration to a scene in Pirates of the Caribbean in which lusty pirates chased after women. Goods such as food or treasure were placed into the women's' arms to change the pirates' object of desire, and later it became the women who were chasing the pirates out of their homes. The gluttonous pirate who was too tired to chase a lively lass had his lines changed so that he either sought food or treasure, depending on the park (this pirate now holds the key and map to the treasure that Jack Sparrow is searching for).

Before

After

Before

After

When this highly controversial change was first made to Pirates of the Caribbean, one of its scriptwriters, X. Atencio, called the "improved" attraction "The Boy Scouts of the Caribbean". The rest of the reaction to the change was split; some thought it was necessary to avoid sexism and misogyny, while many believed that political correctness was redundant for an attraction called the Pirates of the Caribbean. Strangely (and fortunately), the iconic auction scene was spared from the PC cannonfire, and still ran a brisk trade. For 20 years after they were no longer allowed to chase after wenches outright, the pirates were still allowed to purchase them at a legitimate enough auction. They could still admire the best item in the auction, who teased them mercilessly with her hypnotizing body and flowing hair. Almost none of the pirates cared for the stout wench who the Auctioneer was trying to sell, and instead yelled "We Wants The Redhead!" only silenced by the shot of a gun. Meanwhile, outside the eternal darkness of the Mercado, part of the world continued to get more politically correct and sensitive.

Not a week ago, the inevitable yet unthinkable happened. The Disney Company announced perhaps their most extreme change in the name of political correctness yet. When both Disneyland and Disney World's Pirates of the Caribbean close for refurbishment in 2018, the Pirates may finally become Boy Scouts for good. The banner of the Auction will read "Surrender Yer Loot" instead of "Take a Wench for a Bride". Illogically and confusingly, the Boy Scouts will take the loot they just stole from the townspeople and auction it to themselves, forcing the citizens of the village to stand in line to give away their treasures. One concession is made to fans of the original scene by making the Redhead a Girl Scout armed with a rifle and swords, assisting the auction instead of being part of it. But the Pirates Boy Scouts of the Caribbean will never be the same again; too many iconic scenes have been altered and compromised, whether it be from movie-tie ins or politically charged changes that create controversy out of thin air. What was once a genuine movement for awareness and respect has become a poison that results in those afflicted like Disney either censoring others or censoring themselves. I wish there was a gentler way to put this, but the auction scene is a classic scene, perhaps the most iconic part of the entire ride, and altering it to purportedly avoid sexism and misogyny risks removing the ride farther away from what made it great (the most bewildering thing about this is how selling women at auction is not okay, but waterboarding the guy who's the mayor of the village is acceptable). Enough damage has already been done with the previous PC changes and the nonsensical movie tie-ins. Both parks have so much to lose from this poorly-advised alteration; the already compromised ride at WDW would be muddled almost beyond comprehension, and Disneyland is about to drastically alter one of the last ride scenes Walt Disney ever stepped foot in and saw to completion, all to make PIRATES of all people more politically correct.

Will this be the future of the Auction? It's up to Disney to decide. (Copyright Disney)

Are they Pirates or Boy Scouts? The time has come for the Disney company to decide. I hope to Davy Jones they're not Boy Scouts.

Unfortunately, in March 2018 at Walt Disney World and June 2018 at Disneyland, the Pirates of the Caribbean came a lot closer to being Boy Scouts, and far worse, have become involved in one of the worst controversies of our modern era, something that should have never reared its ugly head inside the berm of a Disney theme park.

Happy Cinco de Mayo! El Rio Del Tiempo vs Gran Fiesta Tour

In honor of Cinco de Mayo, a celebration of the battle of Cinco De Mayo, and of Mexican culture both authentic and Americanized, I present a battle to remember: El Rio Del Tiempo, the classic EPCOT Center attraction that explored Mexico's history and culture, will face off against Gran Fiesta Tour, its replacement that stars Donald and his fellow Caballeros. I will compare each attractions concept, execution, and future potential, award points to each attraction's advantages over the other, and add up the score to determine once and for all which attraction succeeds most at presenting the history and culture of Mexico in the most entertaining and informative way (in keeping with the goals of EPCOT Center). Without further ado, let's begin:

Concept

Each attraction has a concept, plot, story, or backstory, one that is not necessarily the same quality as the ride itself. Questionable concepts can become great attractions, and great concepts can transform into mediocre rides. It is a lot harder to achieve the former then it is to suffer the latter. In this way, concepts are like ideological blueprints for attractions. In the case of an attraction for the Mexico Pavilion, the strongest concept would be one that strives to entertain and inform people about Mexico the most.

El Rio Del Tiempo:

Sail a river of time through Mexico's past, present and culture.

Gran Fiesta Tour:

Fine feathered caballeros of the South, Panchito the Mexican Rooster and Jose the Brazilian Parrot, lose their fellow caballero Donald Duck in Mexico, and you join their race through the country to find their friend in time to perform their Gran Fiesta Tour concert.

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Right off the bat, El Rio Del Tiempo scores with its straightforward concept; you are sailing on a river of time through Mexico. Gran Fiesta Tour's concept is an unnecessarily specific backstory, one that doesn't allow for a completely immersive experience but simply riding on a boat with a third-person perspective on the story involving the Three Caballeros. The River of Time takes this round.

El Rio Del Tiempo: 1         Gran Fiesta Tour: 0

Execution

There is no straightforward method of determining how well an attraction is executed, since everybody has different opinions on what works and what doesn't work in an attraction. In my opinion, an EPCOT Center attraction should strive to be as sophisticated as it is fun, make its message clear without being condescending, and always trust its audience. EPCOT Center was initially built for a more adult audience, so its attractions should be geared towards adults who are still children at heart, and for children who want to be treated more as adults. And finally, an EPCOT Center attraction should above all strive to entertain and inform in equal and exemplary parts.

Of course, no modern Epcot attraction has been constructed by EPCOT Center standards. But EPCOT Center's message and the way it presented is every bit as relevant, resonant, and crucial to understanding ourselves and our future as it was in 1982. So there is no excuse for any recent Epcot attraction being held to different standards then the EPCOT Center attractions they replace.

El Rio Del Tiempo

(Rain0975 on Flickr)

It is hard to find many other examples of an EPCOT Center attraction that promised so much and delivered so little. The elaborate and incredibly well-done jungle and Maya pyramid tableau at the beginning of the ride promised an epic journey on the River of Time, as mysterious and awe-inspiring as that Mayan temple, that dense jungle, and that glowing volcano in the distance.

(Sam Howzit on Flickr)

The entering of the mysterious ruins, a dark tunnel filled with mist and ancient murals painted on the walls, and a welcome to the Mexico of ancient times by a ghostly Mayan priest seemed to be a gradual build to even more great and mysterious places on the River of Time. But then it all went wrong.

A big thank-you to Foxxy for this picture

(Doobie and Rebekah from Laughing Place)

The Mexico of ancient times proved to be a Mexico of screens, with films of dancers and performers in Pre-Columbian attire that all too obviously showed their late-70s date. In a rare example, the Imagineers left too much to the imagination, providing far too little of an explanation as to what the heck was going on in the films. The films didn't even have the benefit of carefully constructed sets that put the film into "real" space, like If You Had Wings. So many myths and achievements of early Mexico, like the fight between the gods of light and darkness, and the studies of mathematics and astronomy, were lost in the confusing maze of interpretive dancers, film and ruins.

(vmpyr_david on Flickr)

The next segment of the ride inexplicably could be summed up as "It's a Small World meets Day of the Dead", with a repetitive, cheerful song, animatronic dolls of Mexican children celebrating, and a bright and warm palette of color. Its best touch was a skeleton mariachi band that played on a bridge from above.

(Pete Toscano on Flickr)

The rest of the ride had a similarly happy, simple tone, where happy Mexicans smiled and sang to tourists, and street merchants begged riders to buy their wares, all on film. The grand finale was a genuinely weird carousel of people of Mexico strung up as marionettes. The ride ended by going through a barely themed hallway, an unfitting conclusion for any attraction.

Somewhere between concept and execution, El Rio Del Tiempo was mutilated, with a big part of its original concept (including an outdoor portion) cut due to a need to save money on EPCOT Center. What should have been a unique and amazing representation of Mexican culture and history became an odd, constrained mix between If You Had Wings, It's a Small World, and Mexico, with a tone that later in the attraction's run could be taken as offensive to Mexicans. To its credit, I will always remember and enjoy the eerie and ethereal atmosphere (complete with haunting music) that culminated in the Pepper's Ghost Priest, the footage of real Mexico, and that catchy Small World-esque theme song. But as far as entertaining and informing about the profound culture and history of Mexico, it didn't come nearly as close as it should have.

Gran Fiesta Tour

(Michael Gray on Flickr)

Let's be honest; it wouldn't have taken much for Gran Fiesta Tour to not only surpass El Rio Del Tiempo, but also do a great job entertaining and informing guests about Mexico. Although like any other EPCOT Center fan I am extremely wary of character tie-ins at Epcot, especially after the butchering of Maelstrom and the Norway Pavilion by Frozen, the Three Caballeros are not a bad choice at all for an attraction about Mexico. Walt Disney created the Caballeros as the result of a goodwill mission to Central and South America during WWII. Panchito the rooster and Jose the parrot were created specifically for the purpose of representing Latin American culture, entertaining as well as showcasing their respective countries. Saludos Amigos and The Three Caballeros (both of which I desperately need to see) were very travelogue-esque films focused on Central and South America. It is not much of a leap to come to the conclusion that the Three Caballeros should host an attraction about Mexico, a Latin American country. Alas, I do not believe that was the intention of the people responsible for the overlay so much as quickly and cheaply tying in the characters to the ride for merchandise purposes. This is evidenced by the convoluted plot of Donald running off and enjoying the sights of Mexico while his buddies search for him before their big concert, and most of El Rio Del Tiempo being left intact, but with different content on the screens. Thankfully, this meant that the original jungle and temple tableau was left intact, and it still impresses guests to this day.

(Inazakira on Flickr)

Speaking of the screens, Gran Fiesta Tour finally gave them a reason to exist. As Panchito and Jose chase Donald all over Mexico, the vignettes of their story on the screens show all sorts of hilarious antics from both parties. I love seeing Panchito and Jose's close shave with a knife-sharpening chef, and Donald bouncing like a pinball off one of Mexico's famous diving cliffs. But my favorite segment of film is the one that replaces the street merchants. Now there is a huge fiesta where mariachis play and people dance while Jose and Panchito barely manage to keep Donald in their grasp as he reaches for a trio of lovely senoritas. The new film clips that replaced the old travelogue and interpretive dance scenes of El Rio are simply fun, colorful, and full of action, fitting right in place with the Mary Blair-inspired Day of the Dead scene, and the upbeat and rythmic "Three Caballeros" song. The only disappointing aspects of the new films are (1) they are constrained by the specific plot, (2) the entrance into the ruins was stripped of its mist, tomb and Pepper's Ghost priest, the latter two being replaced by a film that starts the adventure, and (3) they are still not in proper sets to give them a realistic space, meaning that most of the ride is an elaborately themed theater for a cartoon. But fortunately, one of those problems with the screens has since been fixed:

Gran Fiesta Finale: Before (Joe Penniston on Flickr)

Gran Fiesta Finale: After (Sam Howzit on Flickr)

The finale of Gran Fiesta Tour used to be disappointing too, as it was just another screen, a big one that replaced the marionette carousel for the grand concert finale. Especially with the abundance of screens and lack of animatronics, this original finale was a pretty mediocre way to end the ride. Then in 2015, WDI revealed one of its best surprises in years; overnight, restored versions of the original Three Caballeros animatronics from the old Mickey Mouse Revue show were installed in the finale of Gran Fiesta Tour. I got my first opportunity to meet these guys in February of this year, and I cannot overstate how impressed I am with the fantastic job they did with upgrading the finale of Gran Fiesta and restoring classic WDW animatronics to boot. This new finale is definitely a marked improvement over the marionette carousel of El Rio, and is a worthy climax for Gran Fiesta Tour.

Trying to set Gran Fiesta Tour against not only El Rio Del Tiempo but the standards of EPCOT Center as well is a challenge. A case can be made that the presence of the Three Caballeros to Mexico's boat ride drowns out all information and entertainment from the original star of the ride itself: Mexico. But was El Rio Del Tiempo any better at effectively presenting the history and culture of Mexico then Gran Fiesta Tour? Both attractions can claim to have a slight edge over the other; El Rio actually tried to present the culture and history of Mexico, but Gran Fiesta Tour, in my opinion, is far better at what it does with its concept then El Rio did with its own concept, and as a result can hold its own against El Rio. Thus, it is my humble opinion that Fiesta Tour not only executed its own concept better then El Rio executed its, but is at least as good at executing El Rio Del Tiempo's concept as El Rio itself was, if not better. The Three Caballeros win this one.

Adios, Amigos! (Sam Howzit)

El Rio Del Tiempo: 1        Gran Fiesta Tour: 1

Potential
El Rio Del Tiempo was a ride with a grand concept it came nowhere close to realizing, but at least it tried. Gran Fiesta Tour did not mean to try, but did so anyway, and it may have made more progress then El Rio on that course with its irresistible mixture of Three Caballeros, Mexico, fun, color, music, and the art of Mary Blair. All the latter needs is to abandon the storyline of Donald being separated from his friends in Mexico, restore the mysterious atmosphere of that original ruin entrance, and redress the sets and films so that they look seamless with each other (and add some more animatronics, both Caballero and human, please!). I would greatly enjoy a romp through Mexico with the Three Caballeros, joining them as they teach us about Mexico, enjoy the country together and in different ways, and then reunite for their Gran Fiesta Tour Concert. I think a lot of people would agree with me.

But no matter how incredible an attraction starring the Three Caballeros may be, there will always be an inherent discord between the main ride and that mysterious, awe-inspiring tableau that starts the ride. When I see the Olmec stone head covered with vines, the simple huts in the distance, and the eerie glow that emanates from both the temple and volcano, it seems to be speaking an unfulfilled promise. That promise is of sailing a River of Time, where people and places from Mexico, both ancient and modern, come together in an epic journey that you undertake. Dreams of this journey could become reality, in the form of a greatly expanded, revised, and brilliant El Rio Del Tiempo.

I've tried my hardest to choose between sailing on the River of Time or having an adventure with the Three Caballeros on their Gran Fiesta Tour, but it seems no matter which one I'd choose I'd never be content with not having both. My final decision as of now is that Gran Fiesta Tour could stay with the improvements I mentioned and the Mexico pavilion would have a fine attraction, but if the Imagineers wanted to dream bigger, they could bring back the spectacular new El Rio Del Tiempo the pavilion deserves (and hopefully find a way to give my amigos the Three Caballeros an attraction of their own). What do YOU think? In any case, I award both El Rio Del Tiempo and Gran Fiesta Tour a point in this final round.

El Rio Del Tiempo: 2          Gran Fiesta Tour: 2

Conclusion: Dead Tie

I would love to hear your thoughts on this split decision.

Sincerely, Kyle